Going to My Treatment Intake High

Well, today I went to an outpatient SUD clinic because I'm tired of revolving my life around this fucking drug. But of course my fuckass decided it would be amazing to spend the whole night smoking meth instead. I did my last hit only a few hours before my cab came. But I was still high. Hopefully not obviously, but probably obviously because that's how I am when I'm tweaking.

I swear this drug brought out a version of me that's way more fun than sober me in all aspects except the fact I do straight up crystal meth. I was upfront the the lady I did my intake with. A little too blunt. I straight up told her I did ice within a five hours of showing up. I got my next appt with the clinic on Wednesday.

The Joy of an MP3 Player

"New blog post" I say before not posting a blog for two weeks. What's up gang? I've been in the thick of it. Withdrawals, then up for 100 hours, and now withdrawals again. Though I smoked what little stuff was on my pipe and had a bang energy earlier.

I was thinking of making this page a more professional style blog. But what's the fun in having to make a 100% professional blog? The only other alternative is twitter. And frankly, I stay off that site as much as possible due to all the drama and negativity. Some say it's cliché, but it's true. That site ruined my mental health and almost got me doxxed.

Anyways, back to what this post was about. My MP3 player! I got one for Christmas this year and I've been downloading more songs to it because I hate using Spotify. So far, I have about a hundred songs downloaded. Mostly sludge and grunge. I also have my few songs that don't fit into those genres. I plan to eventually have this thing completely so that I no longer have to rely on Spotify or its stupid algorithim for music that I like. With AI taking over that platform, I fear the next artist in my shuffle could be fake. And frankly, I'm done with AI. So I've turned to just downloading all the music I like onto an MP3 player.

The pros? No ads, songs are what you'd like, and unlimited skips! The cons? Song listing is limited and the quality is as good as you make it. But if you can handle those couple of downsides, sit at your computers for hours and get to downloading!

Re-doing My Whole Site

As I've been re-doing my site's layout, I've looked back on all the changes I've made over the last few months. I started working on this site more while I was living out of a hotel room. I didn't have much to do besides watch Adult Swim, crochet, and color. So, I decided to start working on my website some more. As my vision for the site has neared completion, I haven't needed to make as many updates as before.

I also might be getting a new roommate soon. I need some help paying my rent and unless I plan to move, I have to find someone to help pay a share of the rent. He works full-time so he won't be here most the time, but we'll still need to discuss what he wants to do in regards to his belongings and where to sleep. After he fixes his car and gets back to work, I'll discuss with my landlord how to add his, and also my, name to the lease.

This is just pain

Three day meth binge. Feel like shit. Well deserved tbh. I know much of this blog is me venting about being a habitual meth user, but it gives me some peace to know my struggle could help others feel less alone. It's hard to really explain how awful this cycle is.

On another note, I have been diligently working on this site to give you all the updates you desire. Been mainly focusing on my harm reduction page and as well as joining some webrings.

TEN THOUSAND VIEWS

Wow! I checked in on my site (as I have been doing a lot lately) and saw that I now have 10,000 views on my site! TEN. THOUSAND. VIEWS. Ten thousand is one tenth of a hundred thousand, which is one tenth of a million. WOW. You netizens are so fucking awesome. Ever since I was 15 years old, I have dreamed about having a totally decked out site viewed by netizens worldwide.

And now I'm planning larger goals with this site. I've been re-working my entire site for the last three months. Uprooting ALL of my site and making it something new. On my website, the death of a layout is the birth of another one. I've learned to take risks and experiment. This website is a personal project that I have diligently worked on. Day in, day out. I often stay up late, or even pull all-nighters just to work on this site. This site brings me happiness and a sense of accomplishment. Thank you all so much for stopping by at my den!

So Many Possibilites...Such Little Time

Well I had an appointment with a vocational support program today. It went well. I got to talk with my case worker about my career considerations and also my love for coding HTML/CSS. I want to be either a welder or a peer counselor. And if I do become a welder, I wanna make some HR Giger looking creations.

I also want to get sober. I have a game plan for sobriety, but I'll need medication to really help me. Cravings and withdrawals are the two biggest obstacles for me. I've also been a heavy user for at least half a year. I regret ever touching this shit tbh. It's been a year. A year of hell. Binging and crashing. Frying my brain. I'm sick of this cycle and I want it to end. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life huffing on a meth pipe. I don't wanna be the same way in ten years. I wanna be able to fulfill my dreams. I pray to whatever divine being there is for strength as I battle this crap.

In all honesty, this site is one of the main things that motivates me to keep trying. Any small change to this site makes me feel proud. I love being able to create my own little spot on the web. I love being able to make my website look exactly how I wish. I love the indie web.

Body mod plans

Ever since I learned my SSI payments will be coming in April, I've thought about the body mods I wanna get. My birthday is coming up and I wanna get snakebites to celebrate getting to my 20s. My gauges are currently at 0g and I wanna stretch them up to 1/2in. I'll go from 0g to 00g, then 00g to 7/16in, then to 1/2in. I'm happy to finally be old enough to get the body mods of my dreams.

i can't stop fucking up

God fml. I spent all of yesterday smoking hard and then waiting for more shit. I smoked thorugh about 40 bucks worth in about an hour. It makes me feel a bit ashamed how much this shit has chokehold on me. I know many people think quitting is that easy. But if any of you have been in my shoes for a minute, You'll know that that's so wrong.

It started out about a year ago when I really, *really* started to use more. And in that timeframe, I met meth. Which now has turned my life into a wreck. I can't believe this is how I spend my days. Good thing I have hobbies, including working on this website, that give me something to do all day besides getting high.

I try to keep this facade of sobriety up, but it's crumbling more and more. I hope in ten years that I'm not stuck in this place smoking myself away. I hope I find something I like doing and that I'm able to make a decent living for myself. I'm considering being a plumber, peer counselor, or a phlebotomist. My dream job is to be a tattoo artist or medical illustrator, but my bipolar depressive states create awful artblock.

Though I have been thinking up a story that I really want to turn into a graphic novel. But trying to compile the story, making a concise plot, making sure the characters' backstories match up, and also planning the comic...it all seems like a lot. But big goals aren't achieved over night.

I Finally Got My Abilify Shot

I finally got my abilify shot a couple days ago. I was nine days late on it. After I got it, I stopped hearing and seeing things like I was starting too. Ate a whole tub of ice cream in two days. God no wonder why I like this anti-psychotic far more than the three I've been on before this one.